A Million Reasons: The Presence of Absence
by TreeofStars
Summary: "The image of love reveals itself there, in a profoundly present absence." - M. Darwish
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes** \- I realized when I posted New Opportunities the other day that it's been so long y'all might need a cheat sheet/Cliff Notes so you don't have to go back and read the small monster that is A Million Reasons if you don't want to. (You'll be kinda lost if you don't know the Million Reasons Universe.)

\- Matt and Kitty meet by chance on a train, 3 years after Kitty has left Dodge.

\- They reconcile, and Matt moves to NOLA where Kitty has been living.

\- They get married (and have a lot of sex).

\- Kitty gets pregnant and Doc moves in with them.

Original Characters

\- Laura Russell Dillon – Matt and Kitty's infant daughter.

\- Annette – their next-door neighbor. Also Doc's special friend.

This is a longer story, but not as long as the original. Maybe 8 chapters. If you don't like waiting between chapters, please wait for the full story to be posted/marked complete. Fair warning.

Also, this is a rough one. It's not a fun, lighthearted story. If that's not your thing, please skip it.

That's enough notes for now, don't you think?

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

Kitty took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. She was beyond exhausted, and the screaming baby in her arms only made it worse.

"I know, honey, I know…" Her voice was a whisper, drowned out by Laura's cries.

She knew what the issue was, why her child was so distressed. And it was her fault, but there was nothing she could do about it.

Laura was hungry.

Now nearly seven months old, they'd started trying to introduce other foods to her diet, but the baby turned her nose up at most of it, still preferring her mother's milk for her nourishment.

Kitty didn't mind so much at first, thinking eventually she would grow out of it. But in the last month, everything had changed.

It started gradually, feeling sick here and there, feeling a bit more tired throughout the day. But it grew worse, the nausea becoming constant, to the point of her not being able to keep much of anything down. She found herself falling asleep while playing with Laura, or talking to Matt.

The longer it went on, the more she noticed the impact. If she stood up too fast, the room would spin. Her arms grew tired carrying Laura when they hadn't before. And now, she wasn't producing enough milk to feed her child.

Once her middle started to thicken, she realized she was undoubtedly pregnant.

She found herself laughing at the absurdity of it – for nineteen years she and Matt had been so careful. And the moment they stopped being careful, it was like her body was making up for time lost. She didn't even think it was still possible, although thinking on it she knew several women back in Dodge who had become pregnant later in life. It usually didn't end very well, however.

She didn't need Doc to confirm her diagnosis, although as he said to her, he had eyes and could see what was going on. In the past week, those eyes had looked at her with increasing concern.

Matt was a bit of a different story. He'd started consulting on cases with the police two months prior. He was away from home most of the day, but it was becoming harder to hide it all from him.

A knock on the bedroom door shook her out of her thoughts.

"Kitty? Just got home. You need anything?"

She opened her mouth to tell Doc no, but thought better of it when she looked into Laura's eyes. "Yeah, can you take the baby for a bit?"

The door opened and Doc entered, a frown on his face. "Now, what's all the fuss about? Papa doesn't like when his princess is upset, you know."

She handed him the baby. "Did you stop at the market? Maybe she'll eat some potato, or mushed up carrot?"

Doc pursed his lips, but before he could say anything, she raised her hand to stop him.

"I know. Believe me, no one feels worse about this than I do."

"Annette said she was making some soup today. She should be bringing it over soon."

"I appreciate that, Doc, but soup isn't going to really help me here." She looked at the baby. "We can talk later."

"You want to come down and sit with us?"

She shook her head and slid down under the covers.

Doc shook his head and turned his attention to Laura. "Papa's going to fix you right up. Wait until you see what I got for you…"

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

Kitty had asked Doc not to mention anything to Matt. To his credit, he hadn't. But she wasn't feeling any better, and she knew she'd have to have a talk with him at some point. She could tell that her excuses for her tiredness and lack of appetite were wearing thin with him.

Matt was a bit hesitant at first when starting his new job. He fretted about leaving her and Laura all day, and Kitty wasn't sure if she wanted to hit him or kiss him. She gently reminded him that women frequently stayed home to take care of the children while men went off to work, and that she would be just fine. Still, his sweetness made her heart swell.

It wasn't the pregnancy that she was concerned about. She knew that he'd be happy. But the more it affected her health, the more her worry grew for him. She knew how important it was for him to be out of the house and do some good for the city. As much as they enjoyed each other in the beginning – alone, with no real responsibilities – she knew it couldn't last forever. If he knew she was ill, she'd never get him out of the house.

Laura started to fuss in her bassinet, and Kitty got up and went over, bending over to pick her up. "What's the fuss about, sweet baby?" She kissed her on her cheek. Laura immediately quieted. "You were lonely, hmmm? Calling for Momma?"

Kitty turned to walk over to the big chair, and the room began to spin. She reached out for something to grab to steady herself, but it was too late. She stumbled backwards and fell hard on her backside, bumping her head against the wall. Laura immediately started to wail, and it took Kitty a moment to recover before she turned her attention to the baby.

She had fallen into a sitting position, her body taking the blow, so the baby wasn't hurt, just startled. "It's okay, honey. Mommy's sorry." She held Laura close, kissing her head.

Doc charged in then, his eyes wild. "Kitty?!"

"Over here, Doc. We're okay."

"My goodness." He ran over and bent down, his hands running over mother and child. "What happened?"

"I lost my balance, Doc. She's okay. Just scared."

"Yeah, and what about you?"

"I'm fine. Just fell on my backside."

He began to feel her scalp. "Did you hit your head?"

"I bumped it on the wall. Not hard though. I'm okay."

"I'll be the judge of that." He took the baby from her and placed her on the floor next to them. He grabbed a couple of wooden blocks that Annette had given her, and handed them to the baby, hoping she was calm enough to be distracted for a minute.

"Lean forward," he instructed, running his fingers along Kitty's head. "Any of this hurt?"

"No, Doc. I promise."

He frowned, then nodded. "Does your back hurt?"

"Just what I landed on. Help me up, will you?"

"I don't know, Kitty. Just wait a minute."

"No, help me up. I'm alright."

Doc helped her up with some reluctance and pushed her against the wall until he was sure she was steady on her feet.

"I'm really okay." She squeezed his hands as she pushed him away. Laura began tugging on the hem of her nightgown, looking for attention. "Doc, can you?"

He picked up the baby and gave Kitty a look before handing her over. Laura settled into her mother's arms and started gumming on the block still clutched in her hand.

"This is serious, Kitty. You know that."

"I know."

"My God…you could've…" he stopped himself with a swipe of his mustache. "You need to be on bed rest, and you will have regular meals. Whether you keep them down or not."

"But Doc…"

"No buts, Kitty. I mean it."

Kitty pursed her lips and nodded, nuzzling the baby's hair. "I still have to care for Laura, Doc. I can't do that from the bed, especially now that she's really active."

"We'll figure something out, Kitty. The most important thing is keeping you safe and getting you healthy."

"There's one thing, Doc."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"Don't tell Matt about this."

"What?! Kitty, you can't keep this from him anymore."

"I know. I just mean the fall. He's going to worry enough. Please Doc."

"I don't like this, one bit. Not one bit."

"I know. But Matt doesn't need to know."

"What don't I need to know?"

Kitty jumped as Matt entered the bedroom, staring at them with narrowed eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes** \- I don't really have any. Except to say I'm grateful to all of you that have decided to take this little journey. :)

_"I know. But Matt doesn't need to know."_

_"What don't I need to know?"_

_Kitty jumped as Matt entered the bedroom, staring at them with narrowed eyes._

"I wasn't expecting you home for a few hours."

"I decided to take the afternoon off. Now what don't I need to know?"

Doc reached over and took Laura from Kitty's arms. "I'll let you two talk."

Matt waited until Doc left, closing the door behind him. Kitty went over to the big chair and leaned against it, her eyes on the floor.

"What's going on, Kitty?"

She sighed heavily before looking at him. "I'm fine. I promise. I just had a little fall. We weren't hurt. It was just an accident."

"A fall?" Matt approached her and ran his hands over her, as if checking for bruises.

She grabbed his hands to still them. "I'm okay. My backside's a little sore, but that's it."

"Wait, you said 'we'. Were you holding the baby when you fell?"

Kitty winced. She'd meant to leave that part out. "Yes, but I fell on my backside. She never left my arms. She wasn't hurt."

The anger that filled his eyes was something she'd never seen before. At least, not directed at her, anyway. He began to pace, his breathing increasing with his anger.

"My God, Kitty! Do you have any idea what could have happened? What if you were going down the stairs? Or what if you dropped her?"

"I know that. Don't you think I thought of that?"

He shook his head, and struggled to control his anger. "I need you to tell me what's going on here. I'm not blind, Kitty. I see it. You don't eat a lot, you're pale, now this. And don't take this the wrong way, but you look terrible."

Her mouth dropped open, and he was quick to place a hand on her cheek. "I'm sorry. That didn't come out right. What I mean is, you don't look healthy, honey. You're still beautiful, but I can tell something isn't right."

She held his hand to her cheek. "I didn't want to tell you. I thought I'd feel better. I didn't want you to worry. You're working now…"

"Kitty, you're more important than any job. You know that."

In spite of the situation, she smiled to herself. It was something she never thought she'd hear from him.

"I know that, Matt. But there isn't anything you could do. Except worry. I really did think it would pass." She looked at him pointedly. "It usually does."

Matt's eyes widened. "You're going to have a baby."

She nodded, guiding his hand down to her belly. "I can't be very far along, but I'm getting pretty big already. I'm surprised you didn't notice."

"I guess I was a little distracted with work. I'm sorry, Kitty-"

She placed a finger to his lips. "Don't you be sorry. You're working hard, and you come home tired. You play with Laura, have dinner, and then pass out. And it wasn't really noticeable the last time we made love."

"But, why are you so sick? You weren't like this with Laura. And you said Alice was an easy pregnancy too."

"I don't know, Matt."

"What does Doc say? He must know, right?"

"He does. He sees more than you do because he's here more and he's nosy."

Her attempt at humor fell flat. "Does he think there's something wrong with the baby?"

"We don't know. It's only been the past few weeks that it's become a concern."

"Tell me everything."

She rolled her eyes at him, but his determined gaze brooked no argument. "I'm nauseous all the time. I try to eat, even though I have no appetite. But I can't keep anything down. And I'm tired. Not just sleepy, but my whole body. I'm just exhausted. It's nothing like I had with Laura." She lowered her eyes to the floor. "I get dizzy a lot now. I can't carry Laura as long as I used to. My arms get fatigued. And…" Her breath hitched and she shook her head.

Matt tipped her head up to look at him. "And what, honey?"

"I'm not making enough milk anymore." She burst into tears. "She just cries and cries and I can't give her what she needs!"

He pulled her into his arms. "We're going to figure this out, love. I promise."

"I can't feed my baby, Matt! I can't…" Her voice dissolved into sobs as she clutched his shirt.

"She's going to be okay, you know that."

"But she won't eat anything else! She wants me. And I have nothing for her and she screams and fusses and my heart breaks every time. What do I do, Matt?"

"What does Doc say?"

"He wants me on bedrest, and full meals at regular intervals whether I can keep them down or not."

"Well, that seems like a good start."

Kitty pulled away from him and wiped the tears from her face. "I can't care for a seven-month-old baby from my bed, Matt. You know that."

"I know, honey. I'll just have to take some time off. Maybe Doc and I can work different hours so one of us is always here."

"No, Matt. You just got this job. I'm not going to have you come back and sit at home again."

"Why? You sick of me?"

"Of course not. I love having you with me."

Matt leaned in and kissed her forehead softly. "They came after me, Kitty. If they want to keep me around, they'll have to accept that I need some time for family matters."

"But-"

"No buts, Kitty. I mean it." He cupped her face in his hands. "I'm worried about you, honey. I don't like seeing you like this. It…" He frowned, biting his lip before he continued. "It scares me, Kitty." He whispered. "I need you to be okay."

"Oh, Matt…" She leaned up and kissed him softly, wrapping her arms around him. "I will be, I promise. Everything's going to be okay."

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

Matt followed the sounds of Doc and Laura talking, making his way into the kitchen. Doc was doing his best to introduce carrots to the baby, but she didn't seem to be too happy about it.

Matt caressed her head, and she looked up, fixing him with a gummy smile and happy sounding babble. Her tiny arms reached for him, and he took her from Doc's arms, giving her a kiss on her carrot-smeared cheek.

"Another food crossed off the list?" Matt asked as he wiped the carrot from her face.

"Oh no. We're going to keep trying. Papa doesn't give up so easily. I know some good tricks."

Matt sat down at the table across from him. "Doc, I want you to be honest with me here. Is Kitty going to be okay?"

Doc hesitated before speaking. "Well, some mothers have a harder time. Not every pregnancy is the same-"

"Doc. I want the truth. Seriously."

He took a deep breath and blew it out forcefully. "I just don't know, Matt." He shook his head, swiping at his chin. "I really don't know."

He stood and began to pace, his hands shoved in his pockets. "From my experience, this usually goes one of two ways. You lose the mother, or you lose the baby." He avoided looking at Matt. "I think her body is just too weak to support both."

The silence in the room was deafening. Matt felt physically ill. He held the baby closer and kissed her head while she played with his tie. "I'm not going to lose her, Doc. That's not going to happen."

Doc nodded. "I know that."

"So what do we do? We can't just sit here."

Doc shook his head. "I'm afraid there isn't much else we can do."

Matt considered the baby in his arms, his love for her overwhelming. "Doc, what if she ended the pregnancy?"

Doc's head flew up. "What?"

"I know what I'm saying and I can't believe I'm saying it. And I don't think she'd do it anyway. But is that a real option? Medically. In her condition. I'm not asking for your opinion. I'm asking for your medical advice."

"Well, there are people that do those things. Some are even doctors. But Matt, it's very dangerous. Very."

"Is it ever done to save the mother?"

"Yes, it is. But I've never seen it. The people I doctor usually prefer to let God decide."

"God doesn't have a say here, Doc."

Doc considered his friend, the fear and determination in his eyes overwhelming. "You can't play God, Matt. No one can."

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

Matt placed a sleeping Laura in her bassinet and sat down to remove his shoes. He could hear Kitty in the bath.

The things Doc said had frightened him to his core. He'd never felt so much fear. It paralyzed him. He was her husband. He was the one who was supposed to care for her, make sure she was always okay. But the feeling of helplessness rooted deep inside him now was foreign to him.

He went into the bathroom and regarded her, her face pale and drawn, dark circles under her eyes. He'd never seen her look so frail. The sight was enough to drive him to his knees.

Instead, he managed a smile and approached her, running his hand through her wet hair. She opened her eyes and smiled at him. Eyes that had lost their sparkle.

"Baby asleep?"

He nodded, rolling up his sleeves and taking the washcloth in his hands. "You wash yet?"

"Nope. Was hoping you'd find your way up here and give me a hand."

He leaned in and kissed her softly before lathering the cloth with her vanilla scented soap. He was quiet as he ran the soapy cloth along her arms and chest, trying hard not to focus on the changes in her body.

Kitty watched him as he worked, running a hand through his hair. "What are you thinking?"

He sighed and lifted her leg. "How much I love you."

She laughed softly, but his expression remained serious. "Oh Matt, I'm going to be okay. Really."

He nodded, his hand following the cloth down her leg. "I'm taking time off, Kitty." He looked at her and cut her off before she could speak. "I mean it. There will be no argument. You need me here, and I need to be here."

She bit her lip and ran a finger across his cheek. "Okay. But if you do, you can't be like this."

"Like what?"

"Like…this." She gestured with her hand. "Like I'm dying or something."

"Kitty! How can you say that?"

"Okay, bad choice of words. But I won't have this. Worried, sad, angry, whatever. It's not going to make me feel any better. And it's not good for Laura."

He lathered her foot and nodded concededly. "You're right."

"Thank you."

She watched as he turned his attention to her swelled belly, running his hand over her skin. "How did I not notice?"

Kitty shrugged. "Well, you're usually not around when I dress, and it isn't that noticeable under my clothes."

"You feel anything yet?"

"A little." She watched as he continued to run his hands along her stomach, seemingly lost in thought. "Are you happy about the baby?"

"To be honest, Kitty, I've not really thought too much about it. I'm focused on you."

She leaned in and kissed him. "I love you."

"I'm not going to let anything happen to you, you know."

She bit back a sigh. "I know, love."

He dropped the cloth into the water and reached for the soap. He lathered her hair, taking his time running his hands through it.

Kitty sighed happily and leaned into his touch.

"Feel good?"

"Mmmm hmmm."

"Good." He leaned over and kissed her soapy head, and she laughed.

"That couldn't have tasted very good."

"Never say I don't make sacrifices for you, honey."

She tipped her head back and pulled his face to hers for a kiss. "This is what I need from you. Just you loving me, smiling for me…" She kissed him again. "being here with me. Not lost in thought, or fear."

Matt nodded. "I know honey. I'm here. I promise." He kissed her again, but a tiny shout from the bedroom interrupted them.

"Someone is awake and wants company," Kitty smiled.

"I'll go get her."

"Strip her. She can come in here with me."

Kitty rested her head back along the rim of the tub. She hated to see him so worried. And she'd meant it when she told him that wasn't what she needed. Watching him worry would only make her feel worse. She could handle most anything, but not her husband's distress.

Laura's babbling roused her from her thoughts. "Hi sweet baby. Come here and see me."

The baby shrieked playfully as she was placed into Kitty's arms. She wasted no time, slapping the water and giggling happily as it splashed up at her.

"Where'd that cloth go, Matt?"

He ran his hand along the bottom of the tub until he located it, handing it to Kitty. "You wash her, I'll rinse you."

She leaned her head back as he poured a pitcher of water through her hair, rinsing it clean.

Laura's eyes widened as she watched, reaching out with chubby fingers to try and catch the water streaming through her mother's hair.

Kitty wiped at her eyes and watched her daughter grab her hair. "Was that fun? You like that?"

"Yeah, she likes seeing it, but not experiencing it."

"Yeah well, her hair doesn't get very dirty, thankfully." Kitty ran the wet cloth over the baby's head, slicking her red hair back.

Matt sat back and watched the two, Laura trying to grab fistfuls of water and bring them to her mouth to taste. Kitty began dripping water down her arm, causing Laura to laugh hysterically.

"Is that funny? Hmmm?" Kitty tickled her tiny arms, her belly laugh a soothing balm to Matt's ears.

Nothing was going to happen to Kitty. He'd see to it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes** \- This is a tough chapter, and may be triggering to some. Death/loss within. I spent a few weeks researching for this chapter - books and websites, etc - so that I could be as true to the experience as possible. If you'd rather skip it, you can message me privately and I can give you the rundown.

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

Kitty woke with the sun and stretched out in the bed, knowing Matt would not be beside her. He'd agreed to finish out the week at work, making sure all loose ends were tied up before he stepped away.

He hadn't told her exactly how they'd taken the news. She resisted pressing him on the matter.

She smiled, listening to Laura babble to herself in her bassinet. It was rare for her to occupy herself – she usually always needed to have one of them in eyesight.

Kitty rolled over on her side and rested her hand on her belly. What would it be like to have 2 babies in the house? Laura didn't seem like the type of baby who would enjoy sharing her parents with a sibling. But then again, she knew their daughter was spoiled rotten. There was always someone who wanted her; she was never without someone's attention.

And would she love this new baby as much as she loved Laura? It felt silly to think about, but she could not imagine loving anyone else as much as she loved her blue-eyed, chubby cheeked daughter. And would Matt love the baby the same way? It worried her that he wasn't as interested in it all like he was before. The only thing he could focus on was her health.

It had been two days since her fall; two days since Doc put her on bed rest and regular meals. They were surprised she was keeping down a bit more than she had been. Doc was strict, however – she was only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom or get the baby from her bassinet. Then it was straight back to bed.

She sat up, knowing that Laura would soon begin to fuss if she didn't get some attention. She gasped when she pushed the covers back – the sheets were soaked in blood.

Kitty's blood ran cold. She knew. She just knew. Her body shaking, she went to the bathroom to clean herself, but quickly realized the bleeding had not stopped. The room started to spin, and she lowered herself to the floor to avoid a fall.

"Doc?" She tried to keep her voice calm as she called for him over and over. She sighed with relief when she heard him enter the bedroom.

"What is…My God, Kitty?"

"I'm in here," she whispered, even though he'd already found her.

He knelt down beside her. "You in pain?"

She shook her head. "I woke up and there was blood all over the bed."

Doc frowned as he saw the growing puddle of blood beneath her. "It's going to be okay, Kitty."

"No it isn't, Doc. Not for the baby, it isn't."

"I know, honey. I'm sorry."

Kitty shook her sorrow away as Laura began to shout from her bassinet. "Go get her, Doc."

"She'll be fine for a few minutes. Lay back and let me take a look."

She fought tears as Doc examined her, not able to tell her anything they didn't already know.

"Doc, can you get me into the tub?"

"Well why, for heaven's sake?"

"Because I'm bleeding all over the floor."

Doc shook his head and helped her over to the tub and in. Laura's shouts were dissolving into tears by the time she was settled.

"Please go get her, Doc. Please."

He nodded and went to fetch the baby. Kitty could hear him attempt to soothe her, but to no avail.

The moment Laura caught sight of her mother, she practically catapulted herself into her arms.

Kitty cradled her close. "It's okay, sweet baby. It's okay." Laura patted her mother's cheek, and Kitty crumbled. "It's okay…it's okay…"

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

Doc looked at his watch. Kitty had started feeling pain several hours prior. At first she powered through, choosing to hold Laura and even nurse her a tiny bit. But before long, he could see her distress and convinced her to let him take the baby to Annette.

He considered her now, kneeling on an old blanket in the tub. Only her physical pain showed now. He wasn't sure if she'd gone into shock or just pushed her feelings deep down. She blew out a measured breath, her hands gripping the side of the tub.

He offered her water, and she shook her head.

"Now, Kitty, you need to drink. Please."

She looked at him, her eyes all but glazed over, and reluctantly took a sip.

"Good girl."

The sound of the door opening and closing downstairs made them both jump. Doc squeezed Kitty's hand and stood. "I'm going to go talk to him. If you don't want him in here, I can try my best to stop him- "

"No, Doc," she cut him off. "Go get him."

He nodded and took off down the stairs, meeting Matt on the bottom step. "Need to talk to you for a minute."

Matt's face hardened. "What happened?"

Doc swiped at his mustache. "She's losing the baby, Matt. I'm sorry."

He'd barely finished speaking before Matt took off running up the stairs.

Doc decided to give them a few minutes to themselves before heading back up.

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

"Kitty?" Matt burst into the bedroom.

"In here, Matt."

He rushed into the bathroom and knelt next to the tub. "Honey…"

She resisted looking at him. "Help me stand," she whispered, her hands gripping his arms.

He did so, pulling her trembling body into his arms with little resistance. "I'm so sorry, honey." His heart shattered as she buried her face in his neck and began to sob.

"I'm sorry…" she mumbled into his shoulder. "I'm so sorry…"

"Shhh…It's not your fault." He held her as tightly as he dared.

They stayed that way for a time, until her legs started to shake. "Need to sit down," she whispered.

He helped her sit down and only then did he take in all the blood in the tub, blood that seemed to keep coming.

Kitty grit her teeth and moaned. "Go get Doc."

"Kitty?"

She didn't reply, and he immediately called for their friend, who was waiting in the bedroom.

Doc pushed him aside and knelt next to the tub. "Worse?"

She nodded. "I feel like…almost like I need to push."

"Ok, go easy."

Kitty focused on her body, willing herself to detach from what was happening. Matt and Doc were both talking to her, their hands on her offering comfort, but it all barely registered until she felt something small slip from her body. And with it went a piece of her, never to return.

Matt was beside her, his face close to hers, his hand caressing her cheek. She pulled away from him, her eyes on the tiny bundle in Doc's hands.

"Give it to me, Doc."

Both he and Matt protested but she shook her head, unwilling to listen. She needed to hold her baby.

Doc reluctantly handed the tiny, lifeless body to her, his eyes full of tears.

A boy. Tears flooded her vision and she swiped them away, needing to see her child – memorize every detail. He was impossibly tiny, his hands and feet not much bigger than the tip of her finger. She cradled him close and whispered her apologies into his barely formed ear. Matt placed his hand atop hers, holding the baby to her chest. She turned to him then, the tears streaming down his face her undoing. "I'm so sorry, Matt. I wanted to give you a son…"

All he could do was kiss her temple, his hand caressing hers.

The moment was lost as she felt her body begin to cramp again. She gasped, her body tensing. "Doc…"

"What is it?"

"I don't know. It hurts."

He motioned for Matt to take the tiny baby from her and motioned for her to sit back as far as she could. What he saw when he examined her shattered his heart.

"There's another baby, Kitty."

The cry of anguish from her was a sound that would haunt him for the rest of his days.

He reached for her hand and held it tight. "I'm so sorry."

She ignored him, tears streaming down her face. Matt leaned in and kissed her head, still cradling the tiny baby to his chest.

She grimaced as she felt the sensation to push, and she tried to resist it with all her might, even though she knew it was impossible. She let out a tiny sob as the baby came, instantly reaching for it with trembling hands.

A girl. Kitty cuddled the small baby to her chest just as she'd done for her son, whispering apologies and words of love. Everything else faded around her as she suddenly felt weak and lightheaded. Her eyes started to close as her arms went limp.

"Matt…"

He took the baby from her quickly as she fainted. "Doc?"

"Matt, we need to get her to the hospital. Now. Take her downstairs and go to the Roberts' next door. They have a buggy. I'll be right behind you."

"What- "

"She's hemorrhaging, Matt." Doc snapped. "We need to hurry."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Notes** \- I did a few hours of research for this chapter, and tried to be as medically and historically accurate as possible. Also, to the couple of guests who left reviews, I can't message you directly, so I shall thank you publicly!

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

Matt went numb as he saw the amount of blood in the tub. He quickly placed the babies on her chest and pulled the bloody blanket around her as he pulled her out. His whole body shook as he ran down the stairs and out the door to their neighbor.

"Roberts! We need help!" His voice was shaky as he shouted, running fast to the buggy parked by the house. The horse was still rigged to the buggy, and Matt thanked God for the miracle.

He loaded Kitty into the back just as Doc came running, medical bag in hand. He climbed in the back with Kitty as Matt jumped into the front and released the brake.

Dean Roberts, a man Matt had only met once in passing, came out of the house just as the horse started to move.

"What's going on here?"

"We need to get Kitty to the hospital. No time to explain."

The man's expression turned from upset to horror. He had a fondness for the redhead that lived next door. She always had a kind word for him and his wife. He waved them on. "Go."

Matt nodded, the horse taking off.

His mind whirled as he urged the horse to go faster…faster. His heart was beating near out of his chest. All the blood…

"Doc? What's going on back there?" He was terrified of the answer. When Doc didn't immediately reply, he felt his heart drop. "DOC?"

"I'm working, son. I'm working…"

Matt didn't like the sound of Doc's voice, shaky and unsure.

It seemed like hours before they pulled up to St. John's, Matt setting the brake and jumping out of the rig in a blur. Doc got out and ran in to get help while Matt lifted Kitty in his arms. The blanket she was wrapped in was dripping with blood.

If asked to recall the next hour, Matt wasn't sure he'd be able to remember much. Kitty was quickly pulled from his arms and placed on a gurney. Faceless men rolled her away behind swinging doors, Doc shuffling quickly behind. He stood there, in front of the doors after three men had to physically restrain him from following Doc. A few people came up to him, but he couldn't hear what they said to him. A damp towel was placed in his hands, and he looked down, his fingers stained with his wife's blood. He stared and stared at his hands, refusing to wipe the blood away. He had no concept of time, or anything else for that matter. All he knew was that his life was behind those doors.

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

Matt stood in front of those doors for what seemed like hours. He couldn't see much through the small glass panels. It seemed quiet, which perplexed him. His whole world was in there. Shouldn't there be a flurry of activity?

When he finally caught a glimpse of Doc walking down the hall toward the doors, fear flooded his entire body. He could read Doc well after all this time. The man looked defeated, his eyes bleak.

When he pushed the door open, the tears in Doc's eyes made Matt's knees buckle. He reached out for the chair next to him, Doc rushing to his aid.

"Matt, listen to me."

Matt couldn't hear it. Wouldn't. He shook his head, his hands clenching the towel he still held.

Doc gripped his arms tightly. "Son, I need you to listen. She's alive."

A shot of adrenaline ran through Matt's veins. His eyes locked on Doc.

"She's alive, but she's lost a lot of blood, Matt. A lot." He paused to take a shaky breath. "I don't know…"

Matt shot up and out of the chair. He headed for the doors, knowing there wasn't a person on earth who could stop him.

Doc followed, ushering Matt to the room where Kitty lay unconscious.

Matt took one look at his wife, as white as a sheet, seemingly so fragile he thought she might just disappear in front of him. He managed to make it to her side, falling to his knees by the bed.

"Kitty?" He stroked her cheek, startled by how cold her skin felt. "I'm here, honey. Everything's going to be okay."

Doc watched from the doorway, wanting to give Matt a moment. He knew Matt was incapable of hearing the truth, and if he were honest with himself, he didn't want to tell him.

Kitty had lost a lot of blood. Too much. Doc wanted nothing in the world more than he wanted to believe that the woman he considered a daughter would pull through. But he knew the odds. And that was something he couldn't shake.

After a time, Doc pushed a chair behind Matt and ordered him to sit in it. Matt didn't reply, nor did he take his eyes off of Kitty.

"Kitty?"

She looked like she was in a dreamless sleep. Matt leaned in and kissed her forehead. There was blood in her hair. He reached out with shaking fingers and pulled the dried blood from the strands.

"Kitty…"

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

This time, Matt did not lose track of the time. Every minute she lay there unresponsive shattered his heart into smaller and smaller pieces.

He was dimly aware of several people in white coats come into the room, Doc following behind. They wheeled in a contraption Matt had never seen before.

Doc pulled a chair up to the other side of Kitty's bed. "She's getting a blood transfusion," he said, responding to the question in Matt's eyes.

Matt watched as they worked. He'd heard of such a thing, but never seen it. His eyes widened when they hooked Doc up to the machine.

They sat quietly as Kitty received Doc's blood. Matt wasn't sure what to expect. Would the color return to her cheeks? Would she wake?

Unfortunately for Matt, there was no miraculous change in his wife after the transfusion. He still gripped her hand, afraid she'd slip away if he let go.

Doc wasn't hovering, but he was close by. Matt wasn't able to voice the questions that began to form in his head.

Sensing this, Doc approached Matt and placed a hand on his shoulder. "We need to talk."

Matt's eyes did not move from his wife. "I'm not leaving her."

With a swipe of his mustache, Doc sighed. "Her pulse is stronger, but the longer she stays like this…"

Matt nodded. "I know, Doc."

"You know I'd do anything in the world for her. There's just nothing else I can do…" His voice broke, and he cleared his throat.

"I know…I know," Matt whispered, Kitty's hand at his lips.

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

Matt opened his eyes, squinting at the sun streaming through the window. He sat up, stretching his back and neck.

The hospital staff had tried to get him to go home for the night, but Matt wouldn't budge. He finally fell asleep, Kitty's hand in his.

He caressed her cheek and bent over to kiss her. "It's morning, honey. Time to wake up."

Every time he spoke to her and received no response, his heart broke a little bit more. He felt his desperation growing as well. There had to be something he could do. He just couldn't figure out what it was.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Notes** \- Again, I don't have a lot. Just thanks for coming on the ride!

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

By the next day, Matt was frantic. He knew she couldn't hold on forever.

He sat, as before, by her side, his eyes rarely leaving her. A tray of food sat untouched on the table beside him. Doc had brought it in and placed it by his side.

He wondered where Doc was. He was usually never far, but the food had long gone cold and he was nowhere in sight. _It was no wonder_, he thought. Matt cringed as the words he'd screamed at Doc earlier ran through his mind.

"How is there nothing else you can do? There has to be something. This is a hospital. Maybe you don't know all that much, but someone here should! Go find them. I don't care who they are or what you have to do to find them, just do it. I will not let her go." He'd pointed at Kitty, prone in the bed. "FIX THIS."

Doc, to his credit, said nothing. He'd swiped at his mustache and blinked his tears away as he walked out of the room. Minutes later, he came back and placed the tray of food on the table and walked out without a word.

Matt ran his fingers along Kitty's arm. "I didn't mean to blow up like that. You know I'd never intentionally hurt Doc. But honey…I can't do this. I don't know how to live in a world without you, and I don't want to. I can't raise Little Bit myself. She needs you, Kitty." Tears filled his vision as he rested his head on her arm and began to pray.

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

He hadn't seen Doc in hours. He knew he'd never leave Kitty, no matter what. He was just about to go and ask the staff if they'd seen him when he walked in the room.

He had Laura in his arms.

The minute she caught sight of Matt, she leaned forward, her arms outstretched. He grabbed her and held her close, kissing her forehead. She gripped his shirt in her small fists, beaming at him. He choked back a sob as he tucked her head under his.

Then she caught sight of Kitty. She began bouncing up and down in Matt's arms, leaning over to her mother. When Kitty didn't respond, Laura gave a little shout of frustration.

Matt struggled to keep her in his arms. "Doc, why did you bring her here? This isn't a place for babies." He looked at Kitty. "Besides, it's only upsetting her."

Doc watched as the baby reached for her mother, babbling excitedly, like she had something urgent to tell her.

"Give her to Kitty," Doc instructed.

"Doc…"

"Do it, Matt."

Matt sighed and placed the baby on the bed. She immediately started to crawl on top of Kitty and Matt moved to grab her, but Doc stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"Let her," he whispered.

Matt watched as Laura climbed onto Kitty's lap, her tiny hands patting her mother's cheeks. "Muh, muh muh…" She repeated over and over, trying to get her mother's attention.

"Doc…" Matt's voice broke. Watching his daughter grow frustrated with Kitty's unresponsiveness was too much for him to take.

"You asked me what else I could do. This is the only thing we haven't tried."

Matt nodded as he placed his hand on Laura's back to steady her. She let out a tiny shout and began to bounce on Kitty's lap.

"Kitty, honey, you have to wake up. Laura's here. She misses you." Matt rubbed his daughter's back as she babbled and bounced with a mixture of excitement and frustration. It wasn't long before she started to whimper, upset that she wasn't getting her mother's attention.

"Doc, I can't…This is too much…"

Doc placed a hand on Matt's shoulder. "I know, son. But we have to try."

Matt watched in a mixture of heartbreak and amazement as Kitty's breasts began to leak in response to Laura's cry. It wasn't much, but it was enough for the baby's instinct to kick in and try to nurse. He looked at Doc.

"Well, I'll be…" Doc leaned in and loosened the top of Kitty's gown to allow the baby access.

"What does that mean, Doc?"

Doc swiped at his mustache. "I don't know. I wasn't exactly expecting that. It's a mother's instinct, no matter what, I guess."

Matt sat on the edge of the bed and caressed his daughter's head as she nursed. He doubted Kitty's body had much to offer, but the simple act made the baby grow calmer as the minutes passed, her eyes finally closing in sleep.

He watched Kitty for any movement as he held Laura close to her. "Come on, love," he whispered.

Her eyelids fluttered, and Matt leaned in close to ensure he wasn't imagining it. "Kitty?"

The smallest moan escaped from her lips, and he began to caress her cheek. He felt as if his heart had stopped, the world had paused, everything waiting for her to open her eyes.

And she did. Dazedly she looked at Matt. "Matt…"

Her voice was a whisper, but it was enough to fill Matt with joy. "Hi, honey."

"What…" She looked around, and down to the baby. "I don't…"

"It's okay, honey. Everything is okay." He leaned in and kissed her forehead. "You're gonna be just fine."

She tried to bring her arms up, but her muscles were too weak.

"Lay still. You're okay."

Her face was a mixture of confusion and distress. Where was she? Why was she feeling so weak and dizzy?

She felt a familiar hand on her wrist, feeling her pulse. She looked up at Doc, watched his face shift from concern to tenderness as he looked at her.

"Welcome back," he said.

She shook her head, and the room began to spin. "I don't…"

Matt leaned in, still cradling the sleeping baby to her chest. "Try to relax. You lost a lot of blood. That's why you don't feel so good right now. You're in the hospital, and you're going to be just fine." He looked pointedly at Doc. "Isn't she?"

Doc swiped his mustache. "Well, she's going to need an awful lot of attention for the next couple or three weeks…"

Matt offered a smile at the memory, but it didn't register with Kitty. She was looking down at Laura.

"Why is she here…sick?"

Matt left one hand on the baby and caressed her hair with the other. "No, Kitty. She's just fine. She missed you, is all."

"Missed? How long…" Her voice was still nothing more than a whisper.

"About two days. But don't worry. We're going to get you nice and strong."

Her face crumpled. She was tired, lightheaded, weak, and confused. And afraid. Afraid she wasn't being told the truth. She wanted to sit up and have Matt hold her. She wanted to hold her baby close.

Matt kissed her forehead as Doc excused himself. "I promise you; it's going to be okay."

She nodded, the action forcing a tear down her cheek. "Help me..."

"Help you with what?"

"Wanna hold her." She looked down at her daughter, dozing contentedly at her breast. Visions of the babies just lost to them flooded her mind, but she pushed them deep down. Not now, she thought.

Matt lifted the baby gently and placed her on her mother's chest, then placed Kitty's arms around her. It was the best he could do, but judging from the look on his wife's face, it was indeed enough for now.

"Hi, sweet baby," Kitty whispered, her fingers caressing Laura's back. The baby responded by snuggling into her mother's warmth, her little face turning to nuzzle her neck.

Kitty cried softly as she felt the tiny puffs of breath against her skin.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Notes** \- This is a shortish update but I didn't want you all following along to wait a few more days for me to polish the next bit. So I split it. :)

**~MKMKMKMKMK~**

The days passed slowly for Kitty. She was constantly hungry, thirsty, and weak. Doc was overseeing her care, but there seemed to be a constant flow of hospital staff in and out of her room. She was thankful for the care but frustrated that she couldn't be at home with her husband and daughter.

For Matt, the days didn't pass slowly at all. He was so relieved to have Kitty back; he was just fine with everyone taking their time with her care. But he knew she was frustrated, and if she had the proper strength, her temper would rise to the surface. He had no doubt that day was coming, though.

It happened on the third day.

She spoke often of her constant hunger, and her annoyance at Doc making her take it a bit slow with her food intake. She'd asked him that morning if she could graduate to something more substantial than chicken soup for her six meals a day, and he'd replied with a noncommittal 'maybe', which was more than she'd gotten out of him in the days prior. So, supper was on her mind, so much so that even Matt was growing a bit tired at her diet. If only because she was so fixated on it.

The nurse finally entered her room with a tray.

Of soup.

Doc was sitting in the corner of the room reading a newspaper, unaware of the fury he had just unwittingly released.

'_WHAT IS THIS_?"

"It's um…it's soup ma'am. Same as you've had." The nurse backed away from the bed slowly.

"IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME AS I'VE HAD! I WON'T EAT IT!"

Doc had folded his paper and gotten up to usher the nurse out and shut the door. "Now, we've talked about this, Kitty-"

"I'M DONE TALKING. I NEED ACTUAL FOOD. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF HERE ON NOTHING BUT SOUP!"

And then she did something Matt had never seen her do before. She grabbed the tray and threw it, bowl of soup and all, to the floor. The crash made both he and Doc jump.

Up until that point, Matt had been somewhat amused by her outburst. It meant she was getting stronger. And unfortunately for him, he still had a small grin on his face.

"What? You think this is funny? You want me to stay in here? Well I won't! Not for a minute longer!" And she moved to get out of bed. Both he and Doc moved to stop her, but it was too late. Her legs gave out and she fell to the floor, right in the puddle of soup.

Doc reached her first. "Kitty, are you alright? Did you hurt yourself?"

She pushed his hands away. "Stop. Don't touch me."

Matt knelt by her side. "Are you hurt?"

She shook her head, resisting as he tried to lift her off the floor. "Stop it," she sobbed. "Leave me alone." Her voice had quieted to a whisper.

Matt looked at Doc and nodded toward the door, waiting until Doc stepped out and they were alone to speak. "Honey, I can't leave you alone on the floor. Let's get you into bed and cleaned up, and then I'll leave you alone if you want."

The outburst had sapped her strength, and she didn't resist when he picked her up. It had been awhile since he'd held her, and he could not resist kissing the top of her head.

For Kitty, that small gesture was her undoing. She began to sob, clutching her husband tightly.

He sat on the bed and cradled her in his arms. "I know, honey. It's going to be okay. I know it's hard."

She cried harder, burying her face in his neck.

He could hear her whisper against his skin. "What, honey?"

"I'm sorry…" she mumbled.

"Oh, sweetheart. It's okay. It's just a little spilled soup."

"No! That's not it." She shifted to rest her head on his chest but would not look at him. "I'm sorry I lost our babies…" Her voice was small, her weak body still hitching against his.

"Kitty…" His heart shattered and he held her as tightly as he dared. "It wasn't your fault. It just happens sometimes."

"I can't accept that, Matt. I can't accept that we lost our babies because 'it just happens sometimes'. That's not good enough. It was my fault. It was my body that couldn't hold on to them."

There was defeat in her voice, and it scared him. "It doesn't have to be anyone's fault, Kitty."

"Yes it does! Who else can I be angry at? Who? Not you, and not Doc. He couldn't have done anything. It was me. I know it was."

"I don't agree with that, and I won't accept it. I could never blame you." He lifted her face to look into her eyes. "I know you'd do anything you could to keep our babies safe. But there wasn't anything you could do. Ask Doc. He knows better than anyone."

"But it was my body that was too weak. I'll never forgive myself." She shook her head. "Never."

He nodded. "Okay, Kitty. I can't convince you right now. But I'll keep trying."

"I want to go home, Matt. I need my baby. She must be so confused…"

"She's doing just fine. I promise. Annette is spoiling her."

"But is she eating?"

"Of course she is, honey. She's alright."

"I still want to go home. Please, Matt. Please." She gripped his shirt in her hand. "They can't make me stay here, can they?"

"No. No one can make you stay. But I think a couple more days-"

"I'm not doing anything here that I can't do at home. I want my baby and I want my own bed."

Matt could tell she was starting to get riled up again. "Okay, Kitty." He kissed her forehead. "Okay."


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note** \- Anyone still here? The truth is, this chapter has been basically done for a while. I just couldn't get the ending right. It was driving me crazy! But then I realized I'm not writing The Great American Novel, so I should just relax and post the thing before everyone forgets about this story. This is the final chapter, but I am working on a couple more stories in this Universe, and I'm hoping to get a Christmas one up soon. Thank you all for your presence and your patience!

~MKMKMKMKMK~

"Matt, I can walk, you know."

"I know. I'm not taking any chances with you."

Kitty sighed and rested her head on her husband's shoulder as he carried her up the stairs to their room.

After her breakdown at the hospital, Doc agreed that she could go home once she was able to stand. With being home with her baby as incentive, it didn't take her more than a day and a half.

Doc had arranged to take a short leave from Dr. Perrie's practice to be home with Kitty, even though Matt wasn't ready to go back to work.

Matt gently placed his wife on the bed. "You okay?"

She smiled at him. "Yes. I'm just fine."

He kissed the top of her head. "You need anything? Are you hungry?"

"Well, you know what I need," she replied, looking at the empty crib. "And after that I want a long hot bath."

"I'll run a bath for you."

She grinned and opened her mouth to thank him when Doc walked into the room with Laura.

Kitty's heart filled with joy as she took the baby from him. "Hi sweet baby! Mommy missed you so much." She cradled her close and kissed her chubby cheeks.

Laura squealed and babbled excitedly, patting her mother's face.

Matt and Doc watched them, smiles on their faces.

Doc looked at Matt. "I'm going to get a little comfortable and then I'm making supper for us all." He looked at Kitty. "You need anything now?"

She shook her head, eyes filled with tears as she nuzzled her daughter's head. "No, I'm okay now. Thanks Doc."

"You're getting some steak tonight. Not a lot, but enough to make you happy, I think."

Kitty laughed, a sound both men had missed. "Thank you, Doc." She paused, looking at him. "For everything."

He nodded and left the room with a pat on Matt's arm.

Matt sat next to Kitty on the bed. "Better now?"

Kitty nodded. "Much better."

"Good. I'll run your bath for you."

She hummed happily, holding Laura tight to her chest. "I love you."

He swallowed heavily before replying. "I love you, too."

~MKMKMKMKMK~

Kitty ran a brush through her wet hair and took a look at herself in the mirror. She was pale, gaunt. She still felt tired and weak, the simple act of washing herself taking all her energy. She declined Matt's offer to help; she wanted to show him she was going to be okay.

Entering the bedroom, she tied the sash around her dressing gown, and found Matt sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. He didn't hear her approach.

She ran her hand through his hair and he jumped, startled. "I didn't hear you."

Her heart broke as she lifted his face. He looked haunted, lost, his eyes filled with tears.

"Oh, Matt." She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close, his face cradled close to her chest. "I'm okay. I'm here."

His tight grip made it hard for her to breathe, but she just held him tighter, leaning down to whisper, "I'm here," over and over.

He nodded against her chest and tried to pull away, but she held him tight. After a moment his body hitched, and she heard him try to swallow a sob.

Her heart shattered as he clung to her. She'd seen him emotional, but never like this. He was whispering something, and she strained to hear it.

"Almost lost you…don't know what I'd do…"

Kitty wasn't sure what to do. He felt completely vulnerable in her arms. She hated seeing him so broken, but she was grateful he'd let his guard down with her.

She slid down to her knees, cradling his face in her hands. "I'm here, love. It's all over now. I'm right here…" She kissed him softly, wiping the tears from his face.

Matt took a shaky breath and nodded, his hands running over her face, as if reassuring himself that she was real and whole and alive. "I couldn't do it, Kitty. I couldn't."

"I know. And you don't have to. I'm okay."

He nodded again and pulled her to him, seizing her lips in an almost desperate, hungering kiss that took her breath away.

When she finally pulled away from him to catch her breath, he rested his forehead against hers, his thumbs running across her cheeks.

"You're okay," he whispered, his eyes shining. "You're okay."

Kitty nodded and pulled him close. "I'm okay."

~MKMKMKMKMK~

Kitty sighed happily and pushed the tray off her lap. She'd consumed almost all of the steak Doc had made, and even some vegetables.

Matt smiled from his big chair across the bedroom. "Feel better now?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "Doc, that was the best steak I ever had."

Doc chuckled, balancing a near empty plate on his lap as he sat in the chair opposite Matt. "You're just saying that because it's the first steak you've had in a while."

"I still say we should have eaten downstairs. Would have been much easier for you both. It was almost painful watching you two try to cut that meat on your laps."

"Now Kitty," Doc started before Kitty cut him off with a raised hand.

"Never mind. Forget I said it."

Matt smiled at her. He seemed to be in better spirits now, and her heart warmed at the sight of joy on his face.

She was the first to hear the baby stir in her crib, even though she was across the room. She opened her mouth to ask one of them to bring her over, but Doc was up before she could speak.

"Barely awake, and your mother is already chomping at the bit to get her hands on you," he said to the baby as he lifted her out of the crib.

Kitty reached for her daughter with greedy hands. She was still sleepy, and Kitty knew that if she'd been left alone, she would probably have gone back to sleep. But she could sleep just as well in her arms.

Laura considered Kitty through the haze of sleep. The feel and scent of her mother had awakened her just enough to start nuzzling at her breast, and Kitty smiled.

"I'm not sure there's much, but it's all yours." And before she could open her robe, she felt the familiar warmth in her breasts, the baby snuffling as she latched.

Kitty didn't realize she was crying until a tear fell onto Laura's cheek. She wiped at her face quickly, hoping Matt and Doc didn't notice.

But they did, and Doc stood, taking Matt's plate and stacking it on top of his before taking Kitty's tray off the bed.

She gasped as she felt a mild cramping in her belly, and Matt jumped out of his chair at the sound. She held her hand up. "I'm okay." She managed a smile.

Matt wasn't convinced and looked to Doc questioningly.

"You okay, Kitty?" Doc asked.

"I'm fine." She looked at Matt. "Really. I promise."

Matt frowned, but Doc nodded. "I'm taking these downstairs. I'll check in on you in a little while."

Matt held his breath until Doc had shut the door. "Are you okay, Kitty?"

A part of her was annoyed at his questioning, but then she looked at him and caught a glimpse of fear in his eyes.

"Come sit with us, love," she beckoned, patting the spot next to her.

He pulled his boots off and climbed on the bed, putting his arm around her.

She shifted closer to him and rested her head against his. "I'm okay, Matt. I'm just…cramping a little."

"What?"

His raised voice made her jump and startled the baby, who pulled away just enough to start to whimper.

"It's okay, sweet baby. Daddy didn't mean to scare you." She caressed her daughter's hair until she settled back at the breast contentedly.

"Kitty," Matt's voice was stern.

She blew out a measured breath. "It's natural, Matt. It happened with Laura and Alice too. It's just…my body going back to…normal, I guess is the word."

He looked at her with narrowed eyes. "You sure?"

She looked deep into his eyes. "I am sure."

Kitty watched as Laura drowsily nursed, and suddenly the feeling of her womb, empty and tightening, stole her breath. There were no babies safe and warm inside her. Her body had failed to keep them alive. She bit her lip to keep from crying, but silent tears spilled down her cheeks.

"Oh, Kitty…" Matt pulled her closer and kissed her hair.

"I couldn't save them. I tried. I tried so hard…"

He cupped her chin in his hand and turned her face to him. "I know you did, honey. I know."

"I'm sorry…"

Laura, sensing her mother's upset, began to fuss.

Matt ran his hand over his daughter's head in an effort to calm her.

"Kitty, look at her," Matt said.

"I know, I'm upsetting her."

"No, honey. Look at our baby. Our healthy baby girl. We can't replace what we've lost, but look at what we have."

The baby, as if on cue, reached a hand up and curled her fingers against her mother's neck.

Kitty gripped her tiny hand and pulled it to her mouth, kissing the baby's soft skin. Needing more, she lifted Laura and held her close, her head resting on her shoulder. Her scent, her soft breaths on her neck, her tiny heartbeat against her chest, all of it gave Kitty the strength to let go.

Matt held her as she sobbed.

After a time, Laura began to squirm, and Kitty lifted her to kiss her cheek.

The baby squealed happily and gave Kitty a gummy grin. Her tiny hands patted her mother's face.

"Muh muh muh…ma ma," she babbled.

Kitty gasped and looked to her husband to make sure she heard what she thought she heard. He smiled and nodded.

Reaching over to stroke the baby's cheek with a finger, Matt prompted, "Mama."

"Ma…ma."

Kitty couldn't help it. She laughed. The tears streaming down her face were now from joy, not sorrow. Matt was right – no child could take the place of another, but as she looked at him and her sweet baby girl, she knew she was blessed beyond measure.

"My sweet baby," she murmured, planting small kisses on her daughter's cheeks until she laughed that sweet baby laugh that never failed to fill Kitty's heart with joy. No. They could never replace what they'd lost. But what they had was everything she ever dreamed of.

Matt leaned in and kissed her hair. "Everything's going to be okay, honey. I promise."

She nodded, knowing a part of her would never truly be okay with the loss of their three children, but she knew what he meant. They had each other, and their little girl, and even through the losses, they had a million reasons to be grateful.

"I love you," she mouthed to him as their daughter leaned over and pulled on his hair to get his attention.

"Ow! Come here, you little wildkitten!" He scooped her up and tossed her gently in the air as she laughed and laughed.

Kitty smiled as she watched them. They had endured much loss and heartbreak in their lives but none of it could take away the blessings they'd received.

Matt looked at her, his eyes full of love. He leaned over and kissed her gently.

She shifted and rested her head on his shoulder as they watched their little girl crawl on the bed, her excited babble a balm to their souls.


End file.
